India and Surrogates

Years ago when I married my husband I knew without a doubt children wasn't in our future. If I wanted kids I couldn't be with him. He had a vasectomy when he was 20 and was electrocuted when he was 26. So I threw away the birth control and started my life with him. Because he has a daughter from his first marriage I am a grandmother, Nathan will be one in October. My stepdaughter suffers from polycystic ovary disease, so getting pregnant  with Nathan was a fluke. She was told she couldnt conceive. The baby is the joy to her life and I can't imagine life without him. If she hadn't conceived on her own she would of remained childless.

When we married assisted reproduction (IVF, surrogacy and artificial insemination) was rather new and expensive, it still is. I can see why married couples (straight or gay) and single men/women wanting to start families go to India. The sad reality is without this option many of these people will be childless. Sure women can do IVF and artificial insemination in our country but it's not guaranteed to work not including the cost is much more than India. Women can spend year after frustrating year trying to conceive the conventional way or with help before going abroad. Things aren't so easy for same sex couples.

Some couples make several trips to India to try for a child using their own eggs , donor eggs and eventually a surrogate. Gay couples provide their semen utilizing both egg donors and surrogates. Because of the change in laws surrogacy will slow in India for single and same sex couples.

The money paid to a surrogate to carry a child for someone else is almost equal to 9-10 years salary for them. The money can be used to buy a home or provide an education for their own children. Their sacrifice of less than a year improved their own family and improved the lives of strangers on the other side of the world.

The worst things I've found so far is some fertility Drs implant 4 fertilized blastocyst in the surrogate to increase the chances for the Impending parents and having to reduce higher multiples. Or terminate the pregnancy if a genetic defect is present in the fetus. Terminating the pregnancy or reduction is sometimes done for the health of the surrogate.

SCI and other organizations have been providing families with their children.

Personal Nature about disparagement

Weeks ago I spoke about disparagement. I would like to write about a more personal thing I am seeing quite often. The language spoken and verbal abuse to belittle a friends daughter by her dying step-father angers me but my husband and I sit back , saying nothing. The girl is highly intelligent, she takes advanced math (Trigonometry) and science classes. She's studying to be a crime investigator. She's on the honor roll but she's constantly called a "dumb bitch" and that she is worthless. She just turned 17 and is a good kid. She doesn't date or go anywhere because she's not trusted. I don't think she's suicidal but teens these days kill themselves for less. During the summer months she gets no relief from the verbal attacks or disparagement. At least when she has class she gets away from the insults.  The definition of disparage if English isn't your first language.

disparage [dɪˈspærɪdʒ] vb (tr) 1. to speak contemptuously of; belittle 2. to damage the reputation of

We feel so bad for her but she's learned to tune him out. She's become a dear friend to us and she knows that we don't agree with the abuse. I talk with her about her classes and what interests her, without belittling because she needs a friend especially since she doesn't get to be a kid. Her sad reality is she's spent every minute of the summer without face-to-face interaction with other people her age. Sure she texts and has Facebook but it is not the same.

When I was her age I got to be a kid. My stepmother encouraged me to get out of the house on weekends. I spent the summer at the pool, went to the movies , roller skating, fishing, camping, amusement parks and got to go places such as festivals, dances and slumber parties. During school I went to state competition that lasted 2-3 days, so I stayed in motels. Chaperoned of course. They trusted me and I didn't give them a reason not to. She was given an opportunity to compete in State Competition to demonstrate criminal profiling and she wasn't allowed to go because it was for the weekend.  There would of been 1 chaperone per 3 students. I spoke up for her but it didn't do no good. He said no. I tried because her childhood is being stolen.

All the little things I got to do created good memories to look back on. I have my scrapbook  pictures and awards. Her high school year memory will be sitting in her room, alone and being called stupid. My husband and I praise her for her accomplishments because nobody else does. The reason why we don't speak up is because if we do she might lose the the only positive interaction she does get.  The mother tunes him out but sometimes she is so miserable she cries. Her situation is not much better. The mother is his wife and caregiver so other than a quick 10 minute trip to the store or a shower she's with him 24/7. He's in the final stage of cancer, so he can't be alone.

Again I'm her relief from the barrage of abuse also. He's starting to make remarks to my husband and myself. Apparently those closer to him can be abused and we say nothing. If we speak up these two special people may become more isolated. Coming to our house is a change of scenery for a few hours.

I worry also once he's gone that she will try to quickly make up for all she's missed and ruin her future. Or the mom won't tell her no. Time will tell.

What defines a Family?

Webster's dictionary defines family as ....

A group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : HOUSEHOLD 2 a : a group of persons of ancestry : CLAN b : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : RACE 3 a : a group of people united by certain convictions or a common : FELLOWSHIP b : the staff of a high official (as the President) 4 : a group of things related by common characteristics: as a : a closely related series of elements or chemical compounds b : a group of soils with similar chemical and physical properties (as texture, pH, and mineral content) that comprise a category ranking above the series and below the subgroup in soil c : a group of related languages descended from a single ancestral language 5 a : the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children ; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family .

Growing up in the 70s and 80s our family and friends had a traditional family structure. A mom, a dad and kids. Families today can consist of married and unmarried couples, straight or gay, single parents or kids being raised by other family members or friends.

The time and money spent to conceive or to have a child can be surreal for some families while others can get pregnant without trying. It's so unfair what some families go through to have a child. For example I know a drug addict who has three children by three different men and isn't raising any of them. Most likely she will be able to conceive again by having "unprotected sex" and her mom will be raising that child too.

It seems so unfair a crack head can continue to conceive but loving couples in stable marriages and long term commitments ( straight or gay) have to go through adoption, medical intervention, IVF or surrogacy to have a child. I'm all for same sex couples having and parenting children, whether It's through IVF, adoption or surrogacy.

The process some go through is like a carousel, full of ups and downs. Gay men have it harder than lesbians because they don't have ovaries to produce the eggs or a uterus to carry the child. But regardless of the relationship the wait can be excruciating and often heartbreaking. Now the heartbreak is worse since it's harder for same sex  married couples to get the Medical Visas to leave with their children. Exit Visas for IP are no longer available to single or same sex married couples. Exit Visas are only issued to heterosexual couples who've been married at least 2 years. These changes started this year in India. I also heard some countries don't recognize surrogacy so people living in those countries are ineligible to have children born using a surrogate.

The worst part of the change in the law is people who would make great parents are being discriminated against and excluded. Using SURROGATES is a way for married couples whether they are straight or gay and single parents to have biological children if using IVF isn't an option.

Using a surrogate in the United States or other countries that recognize surrogacy is still an option but the cost is considerably more than what's paid to 'rent a womb" in India.

There's no guarantee of the surrogate becoming pregnant on the first try . More often than not it's wait, hope and see. Followed by more waiting. Sometimes it takes multiple cycles to get pregnant and carry a child to term. Sometimes 4-5 blastocytes (embryos) are surgically implanted in the surrogate to improve the chances of impregnating the surrogate . Selected reduction is preformed if pregnancy occured and more than 2 sacs are present. It is unethical to expect a surrogate to carry more than two fetuses.

Ethics is a major dilemma for commercial surrogacy.

I can understand the legislation needs regulated to prevent exploitation of the surrogate mothers but at the same time the women do this willingly to benefit their own family.  The money they make for carrying one child benefits their own children.

I just hope further regulation will include allowing loving same sex couples to continue to have kids using surrogates .These children are cherished and very much wanted.

I'm disabled

The rights of the disabled are important to me. As a disabled educated woman I try to be aware of my rights in the work place. I didn't start my life disabled .After 12 years working in Nursing my back deteriorated from repeated injuries and I required surgery. After months of recuperation, therapy and work hardening, I was not able to return to nursing.

I attended college for four years. I did work after college but the commuting an hour each way further deteriorated my back. Even without using my degrees to get hired I made almost double the minimum wage.

It sickens me a non profit company like Goodwill takes advantage of people with intellectual disabilities such as down syndrome, cerebral Palsey or individuals who are visually impaired.  Why isn't the ACLU helping them? Isn't Goodwill an EOE (equal opportunity employer? What about the ADA (American's Disabilities ACT.?

If the CEO of a non profit corporation is making over 500k and paying a disabled employee so little there's a problem.

Shame on You Goodwill

Merriam Webster's definition of disparage

dis·par·age Pronunciation: \di-ˈ sper-ij, -ˈ spa-rij\Function: transitive verb Inflected Form(s): dis·par·aged; dis·par·ag·ing Etymology: Middle English, to degrade by marriage below one's class, disparage, from Anglo-French desparager to marry below one's class, from des- dis- + parage equality, lineage, from per peer Date: 14th century 1 : to lower in rank or reputation : DEGRADE 2 : to depreciate by indirect means (as invidious comparison) : speak slightingly about

If an African American and Caucasian are hired to do the same job , at the same time , it would be considered unethical and illegal to pay the African American Less to do the same job.  Why is it okay for a person without an intellectual disability or physical disability to be paid more than a disabled person ? Goodwill is guilty of disparagement.

Goodwill is intentionally deciding what a persons is  worth based on their disability or capabilities , and paying them accordingly often far less than the national minimum wage. They are hiding under the sheltered workshop to decide the worth of workers. It's wrong and appalling.

Why is it okay to pay a disabled person less than minimum wage when the CEO of a NON PROFIT Organization makes so much?

What's a person's worth?