Impact of a Short Life

. On Wednesday my good friend started living a nightmare, the thing most parents fear. My Facebook status from yesterday morning.....

Good Morning Facebook. Hopefully everyone is well on this day of Thanks. Shortly before bed I read a friend's status of every parents worst fear and of a medical miracle or God's Will. Perhaps it was a testament of a mother's love and connection to her child. My friends daughter was pronounced dead and death certificate was filed. While waiting for her to be picked up , my friend was holding her hand saying goodbye and noticed her daughter to start breathing again. She was resting in ICU before I went to sleep. My friend didn't know what the rest of the night would bring but I'm sure she is   thankful for this extra time God has given her family. Please pray for my friends.

I know this girl and spent a lot of time with her years ago. I started crying when I read this status. I've Read similar things online but I know this family. God does work miracles. Jessica passed away the second time on Thanksgiving and didn't come back this time.

Jessica had cerebral palsy, mental retardation and autism. Most of her problems were caused by a birth accident.

She never walked a step or spoke a word but her life impacted anyone and everyone she came in contact with. Her life mattered to other children in West Virginia with Autism and developmental disabilities. Her mom served as a council member for WV Developmental Disabilities from 1995-2008, she received the appointment from the governor. My friend fought hard for her daughter and helped make changes for thousands of children with disabilities in West Virginia. My friend fought hard to keep children like Jessica from being excluded in schools and from being isolated from other students. Because my friend fought hard for her own child other children will benefit because of Jessica's life.

Jessica's life was brief but will live on in all who knew her.

Hitting Home about Pulmonary Fibrosis

Have you read another blog and that you totally understand where the blogger is coming from? Last night I read a blog and it hit me in my comfort zone. The blog was talking about one of their immediate family members recent diagnosis and how everyone is pulling together. It almost seems like it was yesterday that my stepmother passed away from the same disease her family member is facing. Pulmonary Fibrosis. The prognosis isn't good if you know someone who's living with it. Our family learned to accept the uninvited disease and face the unknown.

Pulmonary Fibrosis can be considered a terminal illness and is always fatal with a life expectancy of 5 years. We had less than 6 months.

Pulmonary fibrosis is the formation or development of excess fibrous connective tissue (fibrosis) in the lungs. It is also described as "scarring of the lung".  (Source Wikipedia)

Symptoms

Symptoms of pulmonary fibrosis are mainly:

Shortness of breath, particularly with exertion

Chronic dry, hacking coughing

Fatigue and weakness

Chest discomfort

Loss of appetite and rapid weight loss

Pulmonary fibrosis is suggested by a history of progressive shortness of breath (dyspnea) with exertion.  Sometimes fine inspiratory crackles can be heard at the lung bases on auscultation.  A chest x-ray may or may not be abnormal, but high Resolution CT will frequently demonstrate abnormalities.  (Source Wikipedia)

In 2009 or 2010 everyone began to notice my step mom was losing weight rapidly and starting to experience shortness of breath. Her activity level quickly diminished. She stopped going to town. This was a woman who went to town multiple times a day or drive 70 miles (round trip) for a deep fried pickle. Or 100 miles for beef jerky. Her sudden exhaustion didn't raise too much concern because she was 80, general tiredness should be expected with aging.

As the shortness of breath persisted and continued to get worse testing began in 7/11. In August she was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis. The prognosis was bad. My dad, niece and stepsister began providing 24 hour care at home.  On 12/14/11 my stepmother was admitted to the hospital to have higher amounts of oxygen administered. She was quickly put on 15 liters. On 12/20 the Dr felt she should be put on a ventilator, she refused. The hospital wanted her to go to a hospice, she refused. She just wanted to go home. The hospital she was in was 50 miles from home.

On 12/21 my family arranged for a squad to bring her home.  Our family realized she might not survive the trip but it's what she wanted. A couple hours before the transport some of the family came in to be there when the extra oxygen tanks were delivered, three tanks were connected. My step sister got her new furniture (she never sat on) and another decorated a tree. The hospice nurse arrived .

During the transport her oxygen had to be decreased. Again we were aware she might not survive the trip. Once the squad arrived and she was being unloaded her eyes brightened up. You could see a radiant smile behind the oxygen mask as she greeted the family with a wave. She was home.

It took an hour or so to get her situated and for quick training for those providing direct care. My family was shown how to give her morphine during the times hospice wasn't there. We thought we would have a few days so I was supposed to go the next morning to be with her.

The hospice nurse gave her morphine and she started burning up. The doors and Windows were opened. My family put on a CD of Dolly Parton singing "precious memories". Her conditioned worsened but she was alert enough to comfort my step niece. She told her not to cry I'm with Jesus now.

She passed away as Dolly was singing "Precious Father, Loving Mother". I'm bawling as I write this.

Perhaps the ambulance ride took away hours or days from the time she had left but it's what she wanted. Maybe the hospice might have gave her a few days but she just wanted to go home. Why deny her that? She felt she took care of her 9 children including me and some of her grandchildren , we should take care of her. My family took good care of her. Did she suffer? Her golden heart stopped beating before she started completely suffocating. In the end it would of felt like trying to breathe with a boulder on her chest. She made a choice to refuse further medical intervention just to go home.

It breaks my heart knowing a family I only know through blogging will take this same journey my family traveled not long ago. I'm praying for them

Surrogacy and IVF

I applaud the women who give up their bodies to help other couples or singles have families of their own but at the same time I'm developing opinions. Surrogates may find my opinion harsh and perhaps unjustified, but this is my opinion. 

* Surrogates go through lengthy physicals and psychological exams to become an incubator for infertile couples or individuals wishing to start a family. Also surrogates are subjected to background, criminal and credit checks.

* surrogates and egg donors are compensated financially for their sacrifice. But considering the journey starts months before any transfer of the fertilized egg and the "job" is 24/7 the compensation is not that much. Honestly I don't know how much surrogates are paid and it's rude to ask. But in the case of multiples the surrogate's life is put on hold often spending time confined to bed either in a hospital or at home. Time away from their own children often occurs.

* complications can sometimes occur putting the surrogates life at risk.

* As a surrogate your able to pick and choose which couples are appealing. The couples you want to work with and these couples want to work with you. Once a match occurs a business contract is drawn up , an agreement between the IP and SM. Once the child or children is born, the stipulations in the contract is honored. The agreement is fulfilled. The parents are not required to continue an ongoing relationship with the surrogate.  Most blogs I've read about surrogacy is 75% of the parents have maintained a semi-transparent relationship with the surrogate after birth by providing the surrogate with photos and an occasional update. The parents DO NOT have to do this. Sometimes the parents choose to have no further contact with the surrogate after the birth, treating the surrogate as just an incubator and nothing more.

* The child/children you carry as a surrogate is not related to you genetically, thus "not your child" but at the same time after feeling the child move within your womb some attachment can occur and post partum depression.

Before signing the Surrogacy Contract please review the terms of the agreement clearly and if it goes against what you feel is right, DO NOT SIGN IT. Some religion discourages abortion and in some instances selective reductions have occured after IVF. Once you sign the contract and agree to the terms you are legally responsible to follow through .

Before starting surrogacy talk with a reputable agency and lawyer. Make sure the contract is what you are agree to and the terms clearly outlined. That the impending parents terms are clearly noted. Once this contract is signed it becomes a legally binding agreement.

Protect yourself!!!

India and Surrogates

Years ago when I married my husband I knew without a doubt children wasn't in our future. If I wanted kids I couldn't be with him. He had a vasectomy when he was 20 and was electrocuted when he was 26. So I threw away the birth control and started my life with him. Because he has a daughter from his first marriage I am a grandmother, Nathan will be one in October. My stepdaughter suffers from polycystic ovary disease, so getting pregnant  with Nathan was a fluke. She was told she couldnt conceive. The baby is the joy to her life and I can't imagine life without him. If she hadn't conceived on her own she would of remained childless.

When we married assisted reproduction (IVF, surrogacy and artificial insemination) was rather new and expensive, it still is. I can see why married couples (straight or gay) and single men/women wanting to start families go to India. The sad reality is without this option many of these people will be childless. Sure women can do IVF and artificial insemination in our country but it's not guaranteed to work not including the cost is much more than India. Women can spend year after frustrating year trying to conceive the conventional way or with help before going abroad. Things aren't so easy for same sex couples.

Some couples make several trips to India to try for a child using their own eggs , donor eggs and eventually a surrogate. Gay couples provide their semen utilizing both egg donors and surrogates. Because of the change in laws surrogacy will slow in India for single and same sex couples.

The money paid to a surrogate to carry a child for someone else is almost equal to 9-10 years salary for them. The money can be used to buy a home or provide an education for their own children. Their sacrifice of less than a year improved their own family and improved the lives of strangers on the other side of the world.

The worst things I've found so far is some fertility Drs implant 4 fertilized blastocyst in the surrogate to increase the chances for the Impending parents and having to reduce higher multiples. Or terminate the pregnancy if a genetic defect is present in the fetus. Terminating the pregnancy or reduction is sometimes done for the health of the surrogate.

SCI and other organizations have been providing families with their children.

Personal Nature about disparagement

Weeks ago I spoke about disparagement. I would like to write about a more personal thing I am seeing quite often. The language spoken and verbal abuse to belittle a friends daughter by her dying step-father angers me but my husband and I sit back , saying nothing. The girl is highly intelligent, she takes advanced math (Trigonometry) and science classes. She's studying to be a crime investigator. She's on the honor roll but she's constantly called a "dumb bitch" and that she is worthless. She just turned 17 and is a good kid. She doesn't date or go anywhere because she's not trusted. I don't think she's suicidal but teens these days kill themselves for less. During the summer months she gets no relief from the verbal attacks or disparagement. At least when she has class she gets away from the insults.  The definition of disparage if English isn't your first language.

disparage [dɪˈspærɪdʒ] vb (tr) 1. to speak contemptuously of; belittle 2. to damage the reputation of

We feel so bad for her but she's learned to tune him out. She's become a dear friend to us and she knows that we don't agree with the abuse. I talk with her about her classes and what interests her, without belittling because she needs a friend especially since she doesn't get to be a kid. Her sad reality is she's spent every minute of the summer without face-to-face interaction with other people her age. Sure she texts and has Facebook but it is not the same.

When I was her age I got to be a kid. My stepmother encouraged me to get out of the house on weekends. I spent the summer at the pool, went to the movies , roller skating, fishing, camping, amusement parks and got to go places such as festivals, dances and slumber parties. During school I went to state competition that lasted 2-3 days, so I stayed in motels. Chaperoned of course. They trusted me and I didn't give them a reason not to. She was given an opportunity to compete in State Competition to demonstrate criminal profiling and she wasn't allowed to go because it was for the weekend.  There would of been 1 chaperone per 3 students. I spoke up for her but it didn't do no good. He said no. I tried because her childhood is being stolen.

All the little things I got to do created good memories to look back on. I have my scrapbook  pictures and awards. Her high school year memory will be sitting in her room, alone and being called stupid. My husband and I praise her for her accomplishments because nobody else does. The reason why we don't speak up is because if we do she might lose the the only positive interaction she does get.  The mother tunes him out but sometimes she is so miserable she cries. Her situation is not much better. The mother is his wife and caregiver so other than a quick 10 minute trip to the store or a shower she's with him 24/7. He's in the final stage of cancer, so he can't be alone.

Again I'm her relief from the barrage of abuse also. He's starting to make remarks to my husband and myself. Apparently those closer to him can be abused and we say nothing. If we speak up these two special people may become more isolated. Coming to our house is a change of scenery for a few hours.

I worry also once he's gone that she will try to quickly make up for all she's missed and ruin her future. Or the mom won't tell her no. Time will tell.

What defines a Family?

Webster's dictionary defines family as ....

A group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : HOUSEHOLD 2 a : a group of persons of ancestry : CLAN b : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : RACE 3 a : a group of people united by certain convictions or a common : FELLOWSHIP b : the staff of a high official (as the President) 4 : a group of things related by common characteristics: as a : a closely related series of elements or chemical compounds b : a group of soils with similar chemical and physical properties (as texture, pH, and mineral content) that comprise a category ranking above the series and below the subgroup in soil c : a group of related languages descended from a single ancestral language 5 a : the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children ; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family .

Growing up in the 70s and 80s our family and friends had a traditional family structure. A mom, a dad and kids. Families today can consist of married and unmarried couples, straight or gay, single parents or kids being raised by other family members or friends.

The time and money spent to conceive or to have a child can be surreal for some families while others can get pregnant without trying. It's so unfair what some families go through to have a child. For example I know a drug addict who has three children by three different men and isn't raising any of them. Most likely she will be able to conceive again by having "unprotected sex" and her mom will be raising that child too.

It seems so unfair a crack head can continue to conceive but loving couples in stable marriages and long term commitments ( straight or gay) have to go through adoption, medical intervention, IVF or surrogacy to have a child. I'm all for same sex couples having and parenting children, whether It's through IVF, adoption or surrogacy.

The process some go through is like a carousel, full of ups and downs. Gay men have it harder than lesbians because they don't have ovaries to produce the eggs or a uterus to carry the child. But regardless of the relationship the wait can be excruciating and often heartbreaking. Now the heartbreak is worse since it's harder for same sex  married couples to get the Medical Visas to leave with their children. Exit Visas for IP are no longer available to single or same sex married couples. Exit Visas are only issued to heterosexual couples who've been married at least 2 years. These changes started this year in India. I also heard some countries don't recognize surrogacy so people living in those countries are ineligible to have children born using a surrogate.

The worst part of the change in the law is people who would make great parents are being discriminated against and excluded. Using SURROGATES is a way for married couples whether they are straight or gay and single parents to have biological children if using IVF isn't an option.

Using a surrogate in the United States or other countries that recognize surrogacy is still an option but the cost is considerably more than what's paid to 'rent a womb" in India.

There's no guarantee of the surrogate becoming pregnant on the first try . More often than not it's wait, hope and see. Followed by more waiting. Sometimes it takes multiple cycles to get pregnant and carry a child to term. Sometimes 4-5 blastocytes (embryos) are surgically implanted in the surrogate to improve the chances of impregnating the surrogate . Selected reduction is preformed if pregnancy occured and more than 2 sacs are present. It is unethical to expect a surrogate to carry more than two fetuses.

Ethics is a major dilemma for commercial surrogacy.

I can understand the legislation needs regulated to prevent exploitation of the surrogate mothers but at the same time the women do this willingly to benefit their own family.  The money they make for carrying one child benefits their own children.

I just hope further regulation will include allowing loving same sex couples to continue to have kids using surrogates .These children are cherished and very much wanted.

I'm disabled

The rights of the disabled are important to me. As a disabled educated woman I try to be aware of my rights in the work place. I didn't start my life disabled .After 12 years working in Nursing my back deteriorated from repeated injuries and I required surgery. After months of recuperation, therapy and work hardening, I was not able to return to nursing.

I attended college for four years. I did work after college but the commuting an hour each way further deteriorated my back. Even without using my degrees to get hired I made almost double the minimum wage.

It sickens me a non profit company like Goodwill takes advantage of people with intellectual disabilities such as down syndrome, cerebral Palsey or individuals who are visually impaired.  Why isn't the ACLU helping them? Isn't Goodwill an EOE (equal opportunity employer? What about the ADA (American's Disabilities ACT.?

If the CEO of a non profit corporation is making over 500k and paying a disabled employee so little there's a problem.

Shame on You Goodwill

Merriam Webster's definition of disparage

dis·par·age Pronunciation: \di-ˈ sper-ij, -ˈ spa-rij\Function: transitive verb Inflected Form(s): dis·par·aged; dis·par·ag·ing Etymology: Middle English, to degrade by marriage below one's class, disparage, from Anglo-French desparager to marry below one's class, from des- dis- + parage equality, lineage, from per peer Date: 14th century 1 : to lower in rank or reputation : DEGRADE 2 : to depreciate by indirect means (as invidious comparison) : speak slightingly about

If an African American and Caucasian are hired to do the same job , at the same time , it would be considered unethical and illegal to pay the African American Less to do the same job.  Why is it okay for a person without an intellectual disability or physical disability to be paid more than a disabled person ? Goodwill is guilty of disparagement.

Goodwill is intentionally deciding what a persons is  worth based on their disability or capabilities , and paying them accordingly often far less than the national minimum wage. They are hiding under the sheltered workshop to decide the worth of workers. It's wrong and appalling.

Why is it okay to pay a disabled person less than minimum wage when the CEO of a NON PROFIT Organization makes so much?

What's a person's worth?

Protecting The Disabled Children and Adults

It's surreal knowing the conditions disabled Children and adults live in Eastern Europe. In some places conditions are improving but not fast enough. These aren't third world countries I'm talking about. These are old communities that are full of culture and history. After years of the NAZI regime and Soviet rule, poverty became very common.

The EE institutions are overcrowded because more parents are giving up their disabled children at birth.

Poverty and lack of resources available causes more and more disabled children to be abandoned at birth . The children are hidden away in Groupas, Orphanages and Institutions. Hidden away from society. Unless the children are adopted all of the kids will live and die in the institution.

The neglect and murder of the disabled began during the NAZI occupation. The regime considered the disabled as "useless feeders". If they couldn't work to support the regime they were put to death by lethal injection, starvation, gassing or exhaust fumes.

Approximately 200,000 to 250,000 disabled people were murdered during the Action T4 program. This initial start of Ethnic Cleansing of people the NAZI regime considered "defective" began September 1939. Often false causes of death were given to the family members to hide what actually occured.

I'm glad that period in history  is over and hope the next generations remember what evil can do. It's a shame the treatment of the disabled is still cruel in some places.

The purpose of this particular blog entry is not to slam a country, groupa, institution or region. Because each country's policies and regions treat the disabled differently.

I've seen the documentaries "The Hidden Children Of Ukraine " and the video of a Serbian institution that was shown on the news.

I've read the adoption blogs of children being adopted that had the cardiac issues and the adopting parents think the situation is dire. Quite a few times when the AP get the official referral the parents are finding out the cardiac repair was done long ago. Once the child is home in the United States and seen by the cardiology Drs , the parents  find out the operation was successful. Unfortunately some of the parents are told of the repaired heart defects to later find out the defect is still there.

Each region is different and whatever treatment the disabled child has received can vary from institution to institution. And until you get the official referral for a particular child, the medical information your given  by an outside source is often incomplete or incorrect.

I'm American and I'm saddened to say it's not just Eastern Europe that the Disabled were mistreated . It happened in the United States also. In 1965 Senator Robert Kennedy toured Staten Island's Willowbrook State School, he called it a " snake pit". And stated , " living in filth and dirt, their clothing in rags, in rooms less comfortable and cheerful than cages we put animals in at the zoo." He made suggestions on how to improve the living conditions for the disabled children. Willowbrook State School had a reputation of being a warehouse for children with intellectual disabilities.

*In early 1972, Geraldo Rivera, then an investigative reporter for WABC-TV in New York, conducted a series of investigations at Willowbrook uncovering a host of deplorable conditions, including overcrowding, inadequate sanitary facilities, and physical and sexual abuse of residents by members of the school's staff. A class action lawsuit was filed on behalf of the child living inside Willowbrook and The publicity generated by the case was a major contributing factor to the passage of a federal law, the Civil Rights of Institutionalized Persons Act of 1980. (paragraph taken directly from Wikipedia)*

Geraldo Rivera's investigative reform and the public's outrage was the beginning of real reform.  The sad reality is places like Willowbrook existed all over the United States but like EE facilities varied from state to state on how the children and adults with Intellectual disabilities were treated. If this particular blog entry seems unbelievable or far fetched, look up Willowbrook and investigate the information yourself.

Because of genetic testing and ultrasounds parents in the United States are less likely to abandon their disabled children now but the abortion rate is staggering.

*A 2002 literature review of elective abortion rates found that 91–93% of pregnancies in the United Kingdom and Europe with a diagnosis of Down syndrome were terminated. Data from the National Down Syndrome Cytogenetic Register in the United Kingdom indicates that from 1989 to 2006 the proportion of women choosing to terminate a pregnancy following prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome has remained constant at around 92%.

In the United States a number of studies have examined the abortion rate of fetuses with Down syndrome. Three studies estimated the termination rates at 95%, 98%, and 87% respectively.  * (information source Wikipedia)

Looking at the abortion rates every country has a long way to go.

Adoption Criticism and why I care

Months before I read the first adoption blog I used to follow a couple children with Trisomy 18. Part of me was intrigued and knowing how the medical community treats those born with chromosome abnormalities angered me. Some surgeries that CAN fix some of the issues are often denied and IF the parents did not fight so hard the child would die. Regardless if the child is born with 46 chromosomes or 47 he/she is someone's child. It angers me the parents are made to feel that their child would be a burden if the child has a chromosome issue or birth defect. If the parents are aware of possible issues and choose to continue a pregnancy their child won't be a burden.

Yes the parent might get overwhelmed at times and have to continuously fight with the medical community for needed treatments, equipment and services but it's for their child's well being. It's frustrating that some diagnosis and children are denied life.

And then I learned about international adoption. I read the first adoption and heard about some of the appalling conditions in EE Orphanages and Institutions for those born with chromosome abnormalities, Cerebral Palsy, Cystic Fibrosis and another other diagnosis the child is declared "imperfect". These children are locked away from society and forgotten about.

If it wasn't for outsiders (foreigners) adopting and raising awareness, hundreds if not thousands of innocent children would die alone in the only environment they've ever known. The child's potential never known, locked away in a world most of us will never see. Without a family to call their own or someone who love them. A very world that existed once in our country less than 40 years ago.Thank goodness American children with disabilities are no longer hidden away.

I can't imagine the hopeless feeling of walking away because there is no resources available to care for a disabled child.

Adoption is a good thing but I started noticing things in regards to an adoption ministry. When a family starts the process they have support and guidance from others. Once the adoption is complete the support system disappears or falls away.

I've noticed because of photolisting a childs actual diagnosis can be misleading or very incomplete. And I've noticed those adopting without using the ministry's in country contacts are paying less in "official" fees. Sometimes it's 10k less. And I've found blogs that the facilitator acted like a thug towards the family.

If the family questions the Adoption Ministry, the adoption process stalls. As long as the families remained obedient and silent there was no delays.

Most of the EE countries frown on photolisting on 2nd and 3rd party websites as Preselection of children is forbidden. And until the official referral is given  and adoption completed that child is not your child.

I have respect who go outside their comfort zone to give a disabled child a home.  Like a parent who continues a pregnancy even when there is abnormalities, the child is very much wanted. But as long as the child is safe and in a home  , that's what matters in the end regardless of how it happened.

Another reason I care is because of my friend's biological daughter Jessica. Had she been born in an EE her life might of been spent in an institution. My friends pregnancy was normal and uneventful, she was young and expecting her first child. During a very long labor the Medical staff failed to notice when J's heart almost stopped. By time they intervened J was severely brain damaged because the cord was wrapped around her neck and left my friend unable to have another child. My friend was 24. Jessica spent the first 4 months of her life in a NICU. My friend fought for her severely disabled child and never excluded her from anything. She never allowed educators to put her in a corner and exclude her either. She fought for her child and continues to fight, Jessica will be 29 soon.

I care ....because I just do.

Don't text and Drive and Cell Phone Use Etiquette

I'm the first to admit the importance of cell phones. Other than when it's being charged and I'm taking a shower, in the bathroom etc I'm never more than a few feet from my phone. But there is many instances when cell phone usage can be considered rude, disrespectful or dangerous.

During Class a cell phone should be off or on vibrate and put away off the desk. You can always check for missed calls or messages between classes or on breaks. Some schools forbid cell phones during school hours.

At Church-  Your phone should be on silent or vibrate. Your there to worship God not to check your email, Facebook, Twitter or Text.

At Work- The phone should be off or on vibrate. In your pocket or purse.  Some employers frown on phone usage during company time unless it's business related.

At theatres.

Funeral Homes it's rude and disrespectful to text, surf the internet or receive calls during a viewing or funeral. Turn the phone off. In December 2011 someone was checking text within 10 feet of my Stepmother's body. I calmly asked them to turn the phone off. I stated it was disrespectful to my Stepmother and to the family.

Driving- Talking or texting on the Phone impairs your driving. You become less aware of your own driving and those around you. If you cause an accident while texting in some states you can be charged with a crime. Deleting text messages you sent or received during the accident does not declare your innocence. Each text message is time stamped when its sent/ received on your billing record. If the accident results in a fatality this record can be obtained with a court order.

I worked for a major telecommunication company after college and there is a record of usage on each device. Every call made or received is timestamped. Every text sent or received is timestamped. We could not see the content of the text but could tell you when a text was sent or received and from / to which number.

Parents if your child is a new driver or suspect your child is using the phone while operating a motor vehicle talk to them about the importance of pulling over to make or receive calls. Talk to them about driver safety before it's too late. In order to instill this lesson its important as a parent to not use the Phone yourself when operating a motor vehicle.

No call is that important that you risk others safety to answer it. Pull over in a safe place to return the call or text.

And remember most parents would rather their child be a few minutes late because they pulled over to make a call then not make it home at all.

The Human Aspect of International Adoption

Photolisting orphans is like a double edge sword . In order to raise awareness and encourage adoption some individuals feel photographs are important.  But posting pictures of children can also be considered exploitation especially when the child's country forbids the practice. Most EE countries do not allow preselection of children or photolisting on 2nd or 3rd party sites.

I have  great respect who decide to adopt without seeing the child first. The family has the homestudy and months of paperwork before getting the referral or seeing the first photograph. In other words the family doesn't fall in love with a picture and then start the adoption process.

The families who follow the rules also don't share personal information about the child until the adoption process is completed. They don't publicly share information about other children either.

Because of positive behavior of the parents and respect of the policies , future adoptions can and will happen for other families in this particular country.

Educating Myself on Heroics

What is a true hero?

To me a hero does the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Sometimes the person acts quietly without drawing attention to themselves with no accolades or public recognition. They care about their families, neighbors and community. They quietly donate to causes or individuals who need help. The volunteer their time and energy to help someone. 

I've learned a true hero is an ordinary person just doing the right thing, nothing extraordinary. There has been many heroes since time began but during WW2 there was a lot of heroes.

Irena Sendler helped save 2500 children by smuggling them out of the Warsaw ghetto and placing them with Polish families. She kept a record of each child rescued in hopes of reuniting the child with their families after the war. Sadly most of the parents were sent to Treblinka. She  faced death each day but she put her own mortality last to do the right thing by saving innocent children. Her heroism went unnoticed except by those she helped save. Any recognition during WW2 meant certain death for her and those helping by the NAZIS. She was eventually caught and tortured. She was sentenced to death but allowed to escape because Zegota bribed a NAZI . In 1965 she was awarded Righteous Among the Nation's by Yad Yashem.

We never learned of her heroics in our history books. Most of us would of never known of her heroics during the Holocaust,if some high school weren't researching the holocaust  in 1999. They wrote a play " Life in a Jar" about Sendler's activities during WW2.  The students from KS visited Irena in Poland who was living quietly in a nursing home. Irena and the others didn't risk their lives for recognition, awards or accolades. They did it to save friends and strangers from injustice. Irena never considered her actions as heroic.

There is still heroes among us that we see everyday that quietly live their lives without making the front page.  They just choose to do the right thing .

What I've learned

I've learned a lot reading blogs of different content. I've learned about goals, hopes and dreams. I've learned to appreciate each day and live it to the fullest. I've learned about the heartbreak of an unexpected diagnosis and those willing to travel that road regardless of the destination or outcome.

My niece was offered a chance to end her journey when the Dr suspected the twins had Down Syndrome. The pregnancy had been high risk from the beginning. From 8 weeks to delivery she was on bedrest. Not an easy thing considering she had two other children ages 2 and 1.

She switched Drs and continued the pregnancy. She also refused further diagnostic testing other than ultrasounds. She was willing to take the unplanned trip to Holland. Incidentally her plane was rerouted back to Italy. My great nieces were 8 weeks early but otherwise healthy. Neither one has Down Syndrome and any earlier delay was caused by being premature.

So many women would of cancelled the vacation. Or planned the trip later on, hoping to make it to Italy. A few will decide to go to Holland without a guidebook or day to day itinerary regardless of the ultimate destination. The parents still hope after the diagnosis but the hopes become more relevant and realistic.

I've noticed even though most of the families believe in God they become more spiritual during the unexpected journey. Their faith deepens. No matter how alone they feel they know God is with them and walking this journey with them.

Some go into this new journey to Holland knowing the trip may be cancelled at any time . But each day of the journey is celebrated.

I've learned about strength, hope and joy. And still so much to learn.

Life's Little Wonders

Working in long term care I've had the privilege of taking care of alot of people. The elderly and disabled are societies most vulnerable citizens besides children as they can be abused or neglected. Down Syndrome has interested me since caring for older adults who were locked up most of their lives because of a disability like Down Syndrome. The fact is 30-40 years ago it was almost unheard of to keep children with Down Syndrome. Sure some families did but most went to state run institutions or special needs group homes. And although we easily condemn EE countries for hiding away the disabled and the living conditions of the facilities, until reform our facilities weren't that great.

In 1972 a young attorney and reporter by the name of Geraldo Rivera investigated the Staten Island Willowbrook State School for abuse and neglect of mentally retarded people. He won the Peabody Award for this investigation but more important than that it prompted reform on the state and national level.

And yes he's the same Geraldo from television. Early in his career he did serious reporting. The residents of Willowbrook
Lived in deplorable conditions , was subjected to abuse (sexual and physical) by the school's staff.  Some of the residents was subjected to medical experimentation. Geraldo Rivera's Investigation report was a contributing factor in the passage of the Civil Rights of Institutionalized Person's Act of 1980.  The expose was titled Willowbrook: the last disgrace.

Public outcry prompted the closure of Willowbrook in 1987.

We now know some children with disabilities CAN learn, walk, talk and work. They will do things at their own pace, reaching milestones later than a typical child. Rarely is a disabled child locked away from the rest of society , in an institution in the US.

Thank Goodness for little Wonders.

Duggar Nation, Large Family and Intellectual Disabilities

Years before the development of ultrasounds women were discouraged having children passed the age of 32 because of having a child with an intellectual disability such as down syndrome. Women would most likely carry to term without knowing the diagnosis or even the baby's gender. And until the actual delivery everything was unknown .

The knowledge of the gender happened at birth along with diagnosing genetic issues. There was no pre-planning. Or abortion due to a genetic or intellectual disabilities or conditions deemed "Incompatible With Life. A pregnant woman went into labor without knowing if anything was wrong. Once the child was born the Dr and nurses encouraged the parents to give up the child if the child was disabled. The mother was discouraged from even seeing the child if physical anomalies was present.  More often than not the mother left the hospital without the child. If the child lived he/she tucked away in an institution for however long he/she lived. Thank Goodness this isn't the case anymore in the United States. But at the same time the abortion rate is 90% for women carrying Down Syndrome. 90% of Down Syndrome babies is murdered before they take their first breath. Before they can show their parents or the world what they can do they are scraped out of their mother's womb and disposed of.

Ironically the down syndrome blogs I follow the mothers were in their 20's when their child was born. Twenties is not 32. As a matter of fact Michelle Duggar has given birth 10 times since her 32nd birthday. Her 10th child died during gestation and her 9th after 32nd Birthday (19th) child was born premature but is fine now. Josie's birth and struggle to live was documented for the world to see on TLC (19 Kids and Counting) . Another Family known for a large family also has 19 kids, half of the Bates children were born after Mrs. Bates was 32. As far as I know none of these 38 children have genetic issues or intellectual disability.

During fertilization and early fetal development a genetic hiccup occurs. In the case of Down Syndrome or Trisomy 21 there is 3 copies of the 21st Chromosome. With Edwards Syndrome or Trisomy 18, there is 3 copies of chromosome 18. And Trisomy 13 or Pateau there is 3 copies of chromosome 13. Trisomy 13, 18 and 21 are often seen in the ultrasounds or during genetic testing. The degree of disability varies from child to child. Even typical children learn differently and at different rates. Early intervention is important for kids regardless of learning or intellectual difficulties to give them the best chance.

Trisomy 13 and 18 are considered incompatible with life , life saving surgery and medical intervention is often denied. Sometimes the un-repaired heart defect ends their lives.

Kids with disabilities should be allowed to live, learn and love. 

Adoption and Name Change

Maya Angelou, the author of "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings" , discussed identity in the book. As a young adult Maya's employer purposely called her Mary, instead of using Maya's given name which is Marguerite.

Billie Letts had discussion questions in the back of her book, Where The Heart Is, explaining how people with authority would often times call the uneducated or poor by different names. It is a way to strip the identity away from someone as a show of power.

Hitler and the Third Reich, stripped millions of their name as a way to dehumanize. Often the victims of the Reich were referred to as a number or a derogatory name.

Prisoners in the United States are assigned a number upon admission into prison. During cell checks, work assignments and head count the prisoner is referred to as that number.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is I'm currently watching "La Bamba" , about the singer Ritchie Valens. His birth name was Richard Valenzuela. His manager changed his name so it sounded less Hispanic, Valenzuela was Mexican- American, but if you only heard him on the radio without seeing him, you would never know that. Tina Turner was another entertainer stripped of her name. Her birth name is Anna Mae Bullock, Ike changed her name. Anna and Richie's names were changed without their consent or because of the suggestions of others.

A lot of entertainers change their names but the whole point of this blog entry is about adoption and name change. I applaud the adopting families that keep the child's birth name. Or keep part of the name without completely stripping the child of their identity. Some adopting families keep the child's birth name but changes the spelling making it more American. For instance Anastasia might become Anna. Or Natalia might become Natalie etc...

Some families who adopted older children allowed the child to choose a new name or keep the name. Many kept the name they've had since birth. Very few teenagers chose a new first and middle name.

There's many adopting families that assume since the child is getting a whole new life it's okay to give the child a whole new name. Can you imagine living in an institution or orphanage all your life to have strangers come in and turn your world upside down? Sure the child's life is improving for the better because of adoption but at the same time It's traumatic.  The child is being ripped out of the only home they've ever known. It might be the biggest shithole in the world but it's home. They are taken away from familiar faces and routine,  there's comfort in the familiar. There's safety in the familiar. The child's name is their only possession in the orphanage, Groupa or institution. Even the clothing and shoes they wear does not belong to them. The toys they play with don't belong to them.

If a special needs child is below the age of 2 the name change might not be as traumatic as it would be a 5 year old. Can you imagine being 5 & your called Alexei everyday but suddenly strangers start calling you Steven? Besides being taken away from the familiar the child is expected to respond to a new name.  This would even be traumatic for any child whether if they had a special need or not.

This was just another random thought about adoption.

** The names I used as an example does not refer to any particular child, family or adoption.**

Sexual Abuse of Disabled People

Estimates show that 90% of females and 50% of males with intellectual disabilities will be sexually abused.

1. Start early. Introduce correct terms for body parts. This way a they can report clearly if someone engages in sexual misbehavior.

2. Introduce body privacy. NO ONE is allowed to tickle or play around with the private parts of your body. To counter any attempts at or*l s*x include the mouth as a private body part. NO ONE is allowed to put anything part of their body into your mouth.

3. Make it clear that if someone breaks the rules about body privacy, YOU (the parent) need to know about it.

4. Teach your child to stand back and hold out their arms and say – in a BIG LOUD – voice and say, “NO! STOP THAT!” “IT’S NOT ALLOWED!” Practice saying NO! assertively.

5. Practice distinguishing secrets to keep and secrets that must be told. Children and adults with intellectual disabilities often think they can tell good secrets but have to keep bad secrets cause telling a bad secret might make someone feel bad.

6. As sex abuse is about power, work to empower your child with independence in dressing and toileting.

7. Develop and practice problem solving skills. Role play different situations and how your child should react in them.

8. Bear in mind that if your child lacks physical affection, approval and attention, they become more vulnerable to predators.

9. Develop social skills. Personal space. Eye to eye contact. Make sure your child knows their phone number and address.

10. Often children with special have already developed a passivity to adults, especially to caregivers and other professionals. Teach your child it is okay to stand up for themselves.

11. With non-verbal children consult a speech therapist for communication symbols for sexuality.

I found this on another blog and decided to share because this information needs shared and taught to protect the disabled , to give them a voice. These statistics leaves me speechless and angers me.

I think this was authored by Tammy at Praying for Parker?

I'm so Lucky but I still struggle

Each day when I wake up I realize how fortunate I am. Sure I'm learning to live with diabetes and some days I do struggle with being diabetic. I'm stubborn and get so frustrated when things don't go my way. In a way I am thankful that I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Yes I know that sounds strange but it's true.

What if I continued my bad food choices, while ignoring the obvious signs of diabetes? Realistically I'm a perfect diabetic for amputation because I have decreased sensation in my feet from a lumbar injury. I've cut the bottom of my left foot multiple times without feeling it. I'm more cautious now with my feet because of the Type 2 diagnosis.

Because of diabetes I've dealt with hyperglycemia and had to think about what I was putting in my body. As a result I'm losing weight, even though I'm wasn't obese in the first place. I'm losing weight and hopefully it will lessen the severe pain in my back.

Even when I do get my glucose under control I will still be a diabetic.Even if most of the pain was gone I would still be disabled. The Smart Ass Cripple ( an awesome blogger) calls me and others like me Verts. A vert is a disabled person still able to walk. It's hard to believe It's been 11 years since my operation and having to relearn to walk or stand without help.

It's sad knowing how most us us take the little things for granted such as walking. And until you lose the ability to even do the simplest or menial task , you might never appreciate what YOU CAN do. Yesterday I walked 2 miles and although that isn't a big accomplishment, I still Rejoice.

11 years ago I couldn't shower, dress (lower extremities), get out of bed or even take myself to the bathroom. 11 years ago I almost didn't wake up from anesthesia. Again I was lucky that the operation was successful without deadly results or permanent damage. My back injury, rehabilitation, reaction to anesthesia and operation deserve it's own entry, which I will do soon.

This post is about the struggles in life, and we all struggle at some point . Some people struggle with money, health issues, family and relationships. Others might struggle with uncertainty or the unknown. All we can do is keep trying and move forward. Life is too short to dwell on the past. Make each day count.

Online Shopping

Online shopping was one online activity that I was reluctant to try because of the fear of identity theft. One slip up and your information will be fair game to the quickest thief. But this last year I slowly started shopping online and realized with the right amount of cash you can purchase anything online. If it exists and you have the cash it can be yours. Sure I did bill pay online but never felt my account could be compromised as I always had a firewall and it was secured. It took me years to even consider online shopping. The variety of things online is tremendous if you have the money. Sometimes buying online can save you a lot of money. It's fun to look for deals online or finding items not available locally.

For instance Amazon is my weakness and love purchasing movies that I enjoyed as a teen. There was something albout the eighties that produced the best movies and music. Every generation has there favorites though. For instance my dad likes music from the 50's and 60's, but it's difficult to find his music unless you go online.

But like I was saying with the right amount of money you can purchase anything and everything online. People have purchased homes online after taking a virtual tour. You can purchase cars or find parts for cars. You can buy plane tickets and book vacations with a mere click of a mouse. You can buy clothing, furniture , groceries and household goods  from the comfort of your home. You can even buy a child buy browsing an online adoption ministry and committing to that child. International adoption is expensive.

In all fairness remaining in orphanages in certain countries is a certain death for a special needs child. Even though the adoption ministries heart is in the right place it does lack scruples. Besides listing pictures online, the ministry shows very little regard to the country's policies regarding adoption. Perhaps the corruption comes from the countries officials, facilitators or the orphanage. International adoption is corrupt, even those sacrificing and adopting overseas can tell you of the exuberant costs in certain countries. The adoption ministry often illegally post picture. One thing I cannot understand is there was a news story that showed the severity of conditions in a certain countries institutions but the adoption ministry doesn't advocate for this country.

It's almost bizarre seeing children displayed on a website with a brief description like an online Wish book.  And the online adoption ministry requesting money to put a hold on the child. Buyer Beware!  Check on the countries adoption policies and fee requirements. Is working with agencies and facilitators required? Since most countries forbid photolisting deposits paid to a third party site does not mean the child will be yours. It just declares your intention to adopt that particular child. The child is still eligible for adoption until you get the official referral.

Technically adoption fees is paid in country and not to a third party. The reason why I consider IA as buying a child is because of a blog I read 6 months ago. The mother answered a comment saying this was her third adoption because she already bought two. Children?? Or a family member mentioning the bribes that was paid to bring her grandchild home. For the most part the adopting family's heart is in the right place. It's just a shame officials and agencies profit from the adoption of children who was literally thrown away.

Helping a child is always worth it regardless of the financial cost.

My thoughts on international adoption

If you follow the news or read just blogs about international adoption , your views can easily become distorted because you're only seeing the side of adoption the agencies want you to see. I was fortunate to get to follow an adoption from start to finish and it wasn't a bowl of cherries depicted in most blogs. The adopting parent(s) had adopted before and knew the trauma the kids feel when they are removed from the only home they've ever known.

Can you imagine being taken away from the only world and people you've known,  by people who speak a language you don't understand? Adoption is traumatic whether you have 47 chromosomes or the normal 46.  It can be very scary to have strangers show up with gifts of food or toys and then rip you away from your home.  Even though the Groupa, Orphanage or Institution isn't ideal, it's still the child's home.

I think the reason why I preferred certain adopting families over others was because the focus was on the child's well being and not their own. These families were aware of the special needs their child has and spent every available minute getting to know the child. But most importantly they took the time allowing the child to get to know them by doing so the trauma was at a lesser degree.  Don't get me wrong it's still traumatic but the adopting families ease the trauma by slowly building trust. The new relationship between the "parents" and child isn't forced but gradually allowed to develop over days and weeks. The relationship was not based on daily bribes.

Following an adoption during months of paperwork has given me a new understanding and a bigger picture of the process involved. It's fascinating how little I knew until following this particular family.  One thing I realized is some of the families spend less time shopping and decorating, there is less froo froo in the child's new room. The adopting parents familiarize themselves with the child's disability by speaking to specialists and other parents. They spend hours researching the disability and the disabilities associated with it. They speak with their local schools to find out what services are available. They learn the best way to help their child long after gotcha day and the trip home.

Once they get an actual referral based on the criteria they agreed to, they start to get a bigger picture where the child is developmentally and education wise especially if the child has a special need.  Once the parent(s) meet and spend time with the child, they get the whole picture. They start slowly establishing trust with the child. Their focus when visiting the child was on the child and not the surroundings. The parents respected the rules and policies of the child's country. By following the rules it allowed more adoptions in the future for other families.

I feel privilege to read about an adoption that wasn't all gummy bears and rainbows. They went into the adoption with realistic expectations or goals and not based on a fantasy.

I'm back

**in order to protect the identity and privacy of those involved names or locations will not be mentioned**

My favorite family has completed their final adoption.

By reading blogs I was able to follow an adoption from start to finish. The time involved in homestudies and travel is staggering. The family completed most of the adoption process paperwork and security clearances before receiving a referrel for a child. So in layman's term they did a blind adoption. Once receiving their referral they did not share the child's picture or information online. They followed and respected the rules of their child's country.

Once in the child's country they spent as much time as possible with the child. Using each moment getting to know the child and the limitations the child has. They also made a mental checklist of the child's strength and areas to work on. It was more about earning trust and consistency not bribing the child with gifts.

The family is home now and their adventure is only beginning.

I'm back!!! Another Adoption Story

My favorite adopting mother, yes I do have a favorite, will be travelling soon to meet her new son. This will be their third and final adoption in Eastern Europe (I think) . The family is very familiar with the adoption procedures in their son's country and respects the regulations or laws. In my opinion if others start abusing the laws like they did Russia, more doors will close to international adoption in Eastern Europe. 

I think outside adoption is needed in Eastern Europe and applaud the parents who go into adoption PREPARED. Some go into adoption expecting others to pay for it and are clueless when it comes to raising a special needs child, especially parenting a child who has lived in an institution.

It really bothers me that mothers who have raised normal biological children are disappointed when their newly adopted, previously institutionalized ,special needs child takes longer to learn.

In all honesty if a normal baby is living in an institute and deprived of interaction or stimulating activities, the deprivation will eventually cause the child to be delayed with development. Once the child is adopted the child will catch up eventually although it may take longer than their peers.

It does my heart good knowing a little boy that's living in an institution will soon have a home. He's not a toddler he's an older child,. He is a child ,that would be overlooked by most wanting to adopt.  He's being adopted by parents familiar with Down Syndrome. The family is very familiar with the medical and developmental needs of a child with Down Syndrome.

The parents considered their children's needs before pursuing another adoption.  They didn't rush to adopt as many children as possible, thus turning their own home into a Groupa. They made sure all the child's needs were met including emotional needs, before bringing another child in.  They allowed for the children to attach to the family. The new little boy will be getting a loving and awesome family.

I can't wait to read about how his life changed.....

My final Adoption Blog also known as my least favorite mom

My last official rant on this subject unless one of the many blogs inspire me or plain piss me off. The biggest rant for a family who should not adopt goes to...screech .
To be fair I will refer to the adopting mom as Screech. If you recognize the adoption or if it's you, I do not apologize. During the adoption process you were selfish, & inconsiderate.

One of the earlier blogs I followed I came across a name constantly following other adoptions with enthusiasm and then noticed she committed to an orphan in Ukraine. This was before my thoughts became jaded on international adoption, the corrosion began here.....

I started following the adoption long after it was finalized...

Keep in mind she contributed 0% out of 100% . Her contribution towards the adoption besides completing the paperwork (which donations paid for), appostile (completely paid for by donations) and travel (yep you guessed it) was screeching online daily her child would die unless she gets the funds.
Others raised the money for her, pretty much paid her living expense in Ukraine. Food, lodging, transportation and adoption. Her contribution was daily screeching online and an occassion nesting blog. She contributed 0% in raising funds.

Well she gets to Ukraine and bitches about accommodations, other than finding a McDONALD'S she doesn't eat at first. Her blogs are about her hardship. She visits the child and the adoption goes through a bit later. Her hubby returns home. She complains she won't have the money to visit her child during the 10 day wait because she can't afford a translator. Or a driver.

My thoughts on this.... You been in country XX days visiting a non speaking child? Why do you need a translator again? This time should be used for bonding!!!  Poor Screech. No poor kid you adopted!
As for having a private driver on a daily basis , get over it. Over half of the blogs I've read PAP also used alternative transportation. The metro, bus, cab or walked. It depends on the region but other families adopting took the time to use public transportation. By doing so the families saved money and visited their child .

During the 10 day wait she checked out of a reasonably  priced place and checked into a 5 star hotel and visited her child 0 times in the 10 days plus a few more days. The newly adopted child seen mommy 0 times in 2 weeks...the mother was in country.

My thoughts....a lot of parents who stayed in country found ways to save money and continued with daily visits. Most downgraded lodging or shared rent and ate in , they walked to visits when they could or shared cabs.

She screeched for months that her child was in danger, being neglected or would die. After adoption was approved she didn't mention or visit the child. The concern she showed for the child  left me speechless. Oh well I wonder if CPS has visited yet?

In the end a deserving child got a home. Too bad it was with Screech

Another set of parents visited their new son in Bulgaria and found out there was 2 others with DS in the orphanage. The parents had not terminated their rights because they were holding out hope that  fixing the babies heart will fix things. They American mom basically thinks these moms should just give up.

How dare you deny them hope. In a way God may be leading them to try to keep their child. Maybe they feel they cannot afford the operation to fix the VSD or ASD. Maybe once it happens or heals itself they will take their child home.Bulgaria doesn't have Medicaid or organizations to help them . Maybe they feel this is the only way to get help for the child.

God is probably leading them to keep their child, and they obviously love her or her to not give up. Shame on you . Until God speaks to their hearts this is their decision to make.

I want to commend the Orphanage for not allowing photos to be taken of orphans during this visit. Obviously this worker respects the privacy  by not allowing other orphans to be touched or photographed.

On a unrelated blog one family still doesn't have the money to bring their boys home 2 1/2 months later. They were their legal kids in December. It's irresponsible to try to adopt without being funded. Her sons still wait.

Funding adoptions

I'm sure this post will piss people off but It's just a thought.
Why is donating to adoptions tax deductible? Since this money is donated to individual families, is the family an individual charity or church??

Usually not for profit organizations is tax deductible such as charity.

Another thought if the funding for an adoption is provided by others why is the IRS allowing the adoption tax credit? If you fund half the adoption your credit should be half. If others fund 100% , you should not be eligible.

Older People Adopting

Is it a good thing for people with grandchildren to adopt international SN kids?? Infants? Adolescents?  Teens?

Several older adopting parents, 40-45 years old (I'm 41) , when getting their official referrals wanted referrals for older kids. They chose the age group they would be comfortable with. Their own age and general health plays a big part on the age of the children they wish to adopt. Typically a woman in her 40s would have a teenager or older child, not an infant. Or just some adopting parents don't want to be dealing with kids in diapers .

I've read blogs of parents in theirs 50's adopting toddlers, even some closer to 60 adopting. Should age matter?

My stepmother and Dad raised one of my nieces, dad was 54 and b was 64 when M moved in with them. B died when M was 17. M is a good kid she will graduate in May from High School with 2 years of college already done. A top 10 university has offered her an awesome scholarship to complete her education. So was she harmed by being raised with older guardians?

I think whether or not older parents adopt should depend on their general health but some conditions are unpredictable as we all know.

*Giggles*

I'm fascinated by the disregard and disrespect Americans show other cultures. I am in no way putting down Americans because I am American nor am I trying to discourage adoption. I just think some should not be adopting and I'm amazed a licensed Social Worker would approve the homestudy. Could the large homestudy fee be considered a bribe?

One family was not qualified to adopt in their own country but qualified for international adoption?

Another family had past complaints of child abuse but no charges yet they qualified for international adoption? The same family has yet another approved homestudy and have adopted their own groupa.  I seriously think CPS should of conducted the homestudy.

My least favorite examples of bad families is coming soon.

*Snickering*

Just love the people adopting through RR, especially Ukraine adoptions. They post they will be traveling soon but can't share the country they are adopting from.

And then they post pictures from Kiev. The same pictures of the SDA office, the statues and cathedrals.

Same driver and facilitators in Kiev and meeting up at TGI Fridays.

They have their official meeting at The SDA and get an official referral to meet their child they already preselected from a photolisting.  *preselecting a child and photolisting is against the law in Ukraine*

I wonder if the SDA official is bribed? By the facilitator?

The PAP arrives in the region to visit the child they receive the official referral for.

They are asked not to photograph the kids until after court. And not to photograph other children. And yet they become picture happy and post the pictures online before the court date.

After court and the 10 day wait they gather the paperwork and close the childs bank account. Collect passports health checkup and visas to go home.

My favorite parents *laughing* are the ones who talk about the bad conditions and remain in country during 10 day waiting period but don't visit their new child plus allow the child to remain at the home extra days .

Seriously folks if the place is truly bad and you love this child, what is the excuse for not visiting?

Let me get this right..

People are paying a small application fee to commit to a child on a adoption ministry website? This is paid to commit to a child they are advocating for? Most likely this child is photolisted illegally! No wonder PAP pay out their butts.

The families I really like....to read about

I have come to follow and admire several families adopting from EE. To my dismay some did have public fundraising but paid for the bulk of their adoptions themselves. Some paid fully for earlier adoptions but needed some help for the lasts adoptions. I still feel some regard international adoption as a business and because of this it is corrupt. And it's just not EE but China and every other country that allows international adoption. It has become an industry in areas with alot of poverty, children are sold. But if international adoption wasn't available many of these children would parish without ever being loved.  Children are denied medical procedures because they have special needs.

And before you think Americans would provide the care for all special needs think again. Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18 are denied care every day, they have an extra chromosome too. Their disabilities are greater but because of a cruel label , "incompatible with life", basic needs are denied unless their parents fight for them. Their parents spend weeks and months searching for medical support who will treat their children.Some  Doctors in our country refuse to treat these kids but we condemn other countries for the same thing? It's a sad reality for special needs all over the world. Our policies and treatments for special needs may be better here but not much better.

One of my least favorite adopting families preselected a child on RR (which is forbidden in the child's country) from a photo. The child has Down Syndrome and asked during the official referral if it was actually DS. The family wasn't interested in adopting a child with Trisomy 13 or 18. I thought the whole point was trying to save a child?  But yet the family was ready to discriminate against an orphan because of a diagnosis?

I will discuss my least favorite adopting families in another post . Back to my favorite families.

Some of my favorite families do blind adoptions meaning they don't know what child they will adopt when beginning the adoption process. Sometimes they find their child during their official referral, not before.  One of my favorite moms wanted a referral for the child in danger of being transferred without seeing the child first. She had prior experience with DS and knew what to expect. She didn't create a fairy tale of a perfect child , because she knew the road ahead would be rocky and uneven at times. She knew about teaching kids with DS and started teaching during the 1st visit. She adopted again a year later, again a blind adoption and a child facing transfer.  She's adopting again, allowing time between each adoption for the children to adjust. By doing this she's able to spend individual time with the kids. It's all about the kids, not her. She sets reasonable goals and celebrates when each milestone is met.  Her expectations are realistic because she didn't go into the adoption clueless.

Kids with down syndrome can do almost everything others can do but at their own pace and in their own way. Set the goals small and celebrate each accomplishment. Encourage growth.

I've enjoyed reading about families adopting older kids, sibling groups and teens. The families have fought for these kids sometimes waiting years for the child to become available for international adoption. And even during the long wait the families keep in contact with the kids through snail mail, e-mail, Skype,  texts and phone calls.

My favorite family I found needed a lot of help bringing their son home. I fell in love with their story. He's a perfect fit for their family.

Behavior

Being an outsider to the adoption world, I should be the last person to offer an opinion about behavior but here goes nothing....

When you visit a child in their groupa or orphanage you are in their environment not yours. They know their boundaries there and what they can get away with. They may approach you with smiles and to see if you brought anything.

Can you imagine being in a place for months or years with no interaction with the outside world except for those who work there ? To live in an orphanage where nothing belongs to you and every second of your day is scheduled.  And then one day strangers come in to see you, offering gifts.  Each day your presented with new treasures and warm smiles. Their visits are frequent and afterwards you return to the only place you have ever known. Regardless of the neglect scenarios created in the PAP mind, you feel safe in the groupa.

One day the child feels safe in their home and feeling happy someone has come to visit just them. The next moment they are taken from the only life they've ever known. No wonder some meltdowns happen not long after gotcha day.

Regardless of what we feel about orphanages and potential neglect, the orphanage feels safe to them because that's all they know. They don't know their life is improving or changing. Even though your met with smiles and hugs each day, it must be terrifying to the kids to be ripped out of their home.

Just a thought....

New Horizon and other hosting programs.

Hosting an adolescent or teenager from EE can be a positive experience for the child and hosting family. The family gets to know the child's personality and vice versa. Hosting a child opens a new world to them, a world they've only seen on TV and a world they've only dreamed of. Aging out of an orphanage can be terrifying especially if they had little contact with the outside world. No job, no home or family to fall back on. The hosting program can be a last chance for the kids, a last chance for a normal life. A last chance to avoid the fate of others aging out of the orphanage. A chance to love and be loved.

The families who decide to host may try to adopt their host children afterwards. These adoptions are the most heartwarming and heart wrenching, I cried when some of the adoptions didn't happen because of their country's disorganization. Families spending months submitting paperwork  just to find out the child who spent weeks in their home wasn't listed for adoption.  But most of the parents didn't give up, they fought for their kids to come home.

Sadly some of the best fights are lost but the family still maintains contact with the child they have come to love. The family doesn't stop caring for the kid if the adoption falls through.

Hosting a child is not like falling in love with a picture on a website or sitting in a room visiting a child for a couple hours a day. The child lives in your home and becomes part of the family. You get to know eachother outside of the institutional setting.  The child learns the rules of the house and is treated like the biological kids in the house.

The parents are heartbroken at the end of the summer when the child they had hosted returns home to their own country. More often counting the days until the child is back home with the family for good.

Waiting for a court date can be excruciating to be able to bring your child back home. There's always a chance the child might change their mind because of pressure from other's in the orphanage about to age out. It's a sad situation when that happens or when biological relatives try to discourage the adoption.

The reality of kids aging out of orphanages is grim. It seems kind of petty to convince a child they would be better off not being adopted.

Liar Liar Part 2

My heart has broke for some families because they got their heart set on a child that was photolisted just to find out the child was never eligible for adoption  in the first place. Why was a Russian toddler photolisted on an Adoption Ministries website illegally? Before the ban on Russian Adoption for American families it was illegal to photolist Russian children on 3rd party International websites such as RR.

The child did have a special need and was a toddler. And since she was below the age of 5 and the severity of the SN was not great she was not available for outside (international) adoption but was photolisted on an American 3rd party website. The perspective adopting family saved and raised money to adopt this child. They committed to the child on the adoption Ministries website. They spent months completing the paperwork ,completely convinced that their daughter would be home soon. They received their travel dates and at their official referrel learned that the child they wanted was not available and had been adopted by a Russian family. The family was presented with some other children and did adopt.

It was a sad situation full of lies and deceit, caused by an agency that's supposed to help. An agency that swears they care. In the long run things did work out for 2 kids and their lives are better.

It's a shame because of situations like this, the abuse and the stories on the news , Americans can no longer adopt Russian children. Thousands of kids are now denied homes and life outside of institutions because of deceitful behaviour.

Lies, Lies and yet more lies.

___________________________

Debating whether or not to end this subject and just approach it later again as the stories unfold..16 post already or just go to 20 entries.
****My next topic is about Physician Assisted Suicide, Dr Philip Niske, Kevorkian and Dignitas. The use of nembutal and should PAS be more readily available?

Liar Liar

As a young child I was taught to always tell the truth . And always felt being honest was a good thing. Sometimes I would do something wrong and would get caught but never lied about it because I felt the punishment might be worse for lying. As an adult working in healthcare being dishonest could cause a patient to die if I didn't report something because it would cause extra work for me. I knew the people who counted on me to be honest . Was lying worth risking their lives? No it wasn't. Did I skip breaks to report their condition and take their vital signs? Yes I did because they mattered. Why don't orphans matter? Why don't those adopting deserve the truth?

Why is the international adoption world so secretive, corrupt and dishonest?  Why are some adopting parents treated like a pariah because they told the truth? My favorite blogger was honest  about her experience and her adoption community shunned her for it.  She was told to change her blog and omit things but she stood her ground. She was attacked by those spouting bible verses on their own blogs for telling the truth. Does honesty not have a place in the adoption community? She was asked to change that she paid a fee to a facilitator . She was told to remove her child's country from the blog. She left things as is.

A facilitator fee is not an official adoption fee in her child' s country, the orphanage does not benefit from the money paid to a facilitator nor does anyone but the facilitator. Hidden money someone collects and if your asked to hide it then something is wrong.

If you're consistently asked to hide things during the adoption most likely you're being lied to about the official costs.  If something doesn't feel right it most likely isn't right.

I've read several of your blogs and seen how some of you were disappointed because some medical issues were purposely left out of your official referral. That some of you felt lied to once you got to talk to talk the Dr at the orphanage. And you wonder why these medical diagnosis was not included on the child's sponsor page or at the official referral.

On the child's  (RR) sponsor page if it says... It appears the child can_________, it looks like this diagnosis________  keep in mind these aren't official diagnosis. This information might of been provided by families visiting another child. If RR had permission to advocate for this child it would say the child has _____________.  And by the way most EE country's do not allow photolisting children on 3rd party sites. I seen a newly listed child today with just a picture and a name, claiming more information later. Most likely hoping a family who's traveling now might see the child and provide the information. Most likely RR does not have permission to advocate for this child. And most likely the child's country does not allow photolisting on a 3rd party site which is what RR is.

I do feel RR is trying to help the forgotten but they should be more transparent themselves to truly help the kids.

Keeping the Heritage

I think my favorite adoption stories are the ones the adoptive parents choose to learn about the child's culture and include it in family celebrations. It shows the child they are important and their life before adoption matters. But it also teaches other family members about culture and about the newest family member. Whether it's preparing a special dish unique to the child's country, including traditions in Holiday celebrations, or getting together with other families who adopted from the same country you did. The families who adopted from Bulgaria get together once a year and celebrate their children's heritage. 
I deeply admire the families who venture away from the tourists area and experience the culture firsthand while they are in their child's country.

Where is the Support now?

Where is the love? In all fairness and honesty I remind all readers I am just an observer to the adoption world. My blog entries are an observation of what I am reading on blogger. The good and the bad experiences. I do support adoption if the parents adopting pay a majority of the costs themselves and not expect most of the adoption to be paid by donations or fundraisers. If you go into an adoption ill-prepared the child you're trying to help suffers. The reality of some special needs kids in some EE countries is grim. If you formally commit to a child and don't have the money to complete the adoption, you have stolen precious time from the child. What if another family comes along and is interested in that child and do have the funds to adopt? What about kids who have met their forever family but yet the kids sit waiting 2 months after adoption?

Orphan no more but yet they wait. They know they have a family but their situation has not changed. Looked at their sponsor page on the website notorious for photolisting children and on the families blogger page. I feel for the kids that their new family did not prepare. The amount needed is close to 10k still, 2 months after the kids became theirs.

Orphan no more yes, but still existing in a world the parents swore to rescue them from.

My faith in the international adoption process is being restored

The last couple of days I have read some blogs of adopting older kids. A lot of people see the cute toddler especially with special needs and know the child might be in danger if transferring to an adult facility. The chance of survival is not good. The same can be said about teenagers aging out of the orphanages. 60% of the girls aging out end up in prostitution and 80% of the boys end up committing crimes. The kids aging out have very little life skills, no job skills. No family ties and unless someone steps forward, no hope. It's a leap of faith to adopt an older child, a pure act of love.
These are kids most would consider too old and are afraid of trying. My hope was restored reading how the adopting families waited and visited these kids sometimes for years. They fought for the kids most considered not adoptable. They loved these kids and didn't give up hope. God bless them.

Who Am I and why Do I care about International Adoption

Hi My Name is Angel and I'm a blogaholic not a troll. I been happily married for almost 22 years to the love of my life. I Have a step-daughter, son-in-law and grandson living in the Tar- Heel state . Ohio is my home and have spent less than 30 days away from it my whole life. I was raised in the Baptist Church and my grandfather was a Wesleyan Minister. I stumbled across an adoption blog one day and became intrigued so I kept reading more and more blogs.
The thing that struck me as peculiar is I read two different blogs of adoptions from the same country and same period of time but different regions. There was over 10k difference in fees paid. I realize adoption can be expensive but over 10,000 difference in fees to adopt in Ukraine?  And the Americans who seem to be paying more to adopt special needs orphans seem to commit to the child they want through an American site.  It is illegal to photolist Ukrainian kids on foreign websites and it is illegal to photolist children on foreign websites from several other EE countries too.  Do I think the illegal photolisting is wrong?

Yes and No. I think a lot more special needs kids would be sent to adult mental institutions if the children weren't photolisted on __________ __________ website. On the other hand if the table was turned and an American SN child was photolisted on a foreign website the ACLU and Child Protective Services would demand the removal of an American Child from the foreign agency's webpage claiming the child was being exploited.  By disregarding a foreign countries laws or policies shows a lack of respect. As Americans we have double standards when it comes to diplomacy and relations to foreign countries.

Is the kids suffering for the photolisting, not really 99% of the time . Because of photolisting were some kids were adopted internationally by people who would not be eligible to adopt domestically? Yes. As a result of prior child abuse but no charges filed a PAP was approved to adopt internationally. Things were left out of the homestudy and a child was beat to death .
My question for today is:......
So after your done with the homestudy ,security checks, paperwork and receive your travel dates to get your official referral from the SDA to visit your child .Do you tell the truth when asked " How did you hear about this particular child?"  Do you tell the SDA official that you seen the child on __________ website, an American website? A website that has illegal photolisting. Does your paid facilitator or translator answer the question for you? 

Fundraising for Adoption

I noticed when a parent commits to a child on a certain website or shows an interest in a particular child ( most likely photolisted illegally) other people associated with the website start a fundraising frenzy. Offering to help raise money etc. (It kind of reminds me of fishermen dumping chum in the ocean to attrack sharks.) Once the adoption is finalized and your home the others  who supported your adoption online disappears, just like sharks will when the chum disappears. And at other times when someone decides to tell the truth  about their experience the feeding frenzy escalates, trying to discredit others and destroy relationships. Even bullying others through email or posting comments anonymously just because someone told the truth. I decided to start this blog to point out what I see as an outsider to the adoption world and not to pick on individual families because most of you mean well.
Although it's your personal choice to adopt only about 20% of you all provide the majority of the adoption cost. Most depend on fundraisers to help with adoption fees but contribute some of their own money. And there's a few that depend on everyone else's money from the get go because they don't have the funds to start the initial paperwork. I ask myself should their home study even been approved? Should they even be adopting?

I was horrified when I read one blog, the PAP commited to a child and had fundraisers to pay for home study, paperwork, passports and initial travel expenses. Once the family had the travel dates and spent time  bonding with the child, they returned home to wait for their court date. During this time they discovered they did not have enough money to complete the adoption. The family contacted the agency and released the child, thus abandoning the child.  And I'm heart broken over the two kids still sitting in the orphanage almost 2 months after the adoption was finalized because she doesn't have the money to pay the agency. If the adopting families were more prepared this would not have happened. It's cruel and irresponsible to go into an adoption unprepared.

Raffles and Fundraising to bring that child home

Over the years I have purchased many fundraising raffle tickets. Including tickets from a local MRDD school to help update a playground, I actually won. From fellow nursing home employees to raise money for Christmas gifts for our residents. We would do anything to brighten the day for our residents on Christ Birthday or any other day of the year. My family bought tickets to help a small rural community build their own firestation and they were able to through fundraising. They held raffles, bean dinners and hog roast. Once they had the funding to build they raised money to purchase equipment. Their efforts took a few years but it was worth it.
Did any of the fundraising benefit my family?...no.. but it did benefit many in our community.
Throughout the years my husband and I have made donations to ...Right To Life, St Jude , Children's Miracle Network, Disabled American veterans, and area food banks. Sometimes our monetary donations were small. But we did give what we could. It is easier to donate when several people benefits, versus one.

Would I ever donate to an adoption fundraiser? No. But I probably would donate to an orphanage to provide the needs for the kids.

In a way I find fundraising for adoptions offensive, unless a small amount is needed. A person just doesn't wake up one day and choose to adopt. The PAP starts to think of adoption and I hope real thought is put into it. How will the Adoption affect you or existing children in the house? Can you afford it? Is the child special needs, are you prepared emotionally or financially for the cost?

The child is more than a picture on a website (which was most likely posted illegally) . The child has needs and the most shocking part only a handful of the PAP were prepared for the special need from prior experience. And the ones prepared spent less time shopping, decorating and filling the child's New room full of fru fru. They research, talk to specialist and school officials. They save money to cover the deductibles their insurance requires for certain procedures. They save and plan. They don't go into the Adoption blind or hoping for the best. They don't fantasize a perfect child from a picture on a website. The PAP who are prepared spend less time fundraising and are discreet if they do need help.

Crowdfunding and Fundraising for adoption

One of the things that bother me the most about " Domestic & International Adoption" is some of the fundraising involved. If you know you're going to adopt  in the next couple years start raising the money now by working OT, get a part time job, don't take vacations, clip coupons or sell belongings. Once you have about 60-80% of the money needed start the process with the paperwork and homestudy. Don't commit to a child until you are 90% funded. In other words don't commit to a picture on a website expecting friends, family and strangers to raise 100% of the adoption cost for you. To me fundraising 10-20% of the adoption is reasonable or applying for adoption grant money to become fully funded. If you need others to raise 100% of the money should you really be adopting? How will you care for the child once the ink dries on the adoption decree?

There is a couple kids sitting in an orphanage  right now still waiting to be picked up almost two months after the adoption was finalized. The parents don't have the 10k to travel and finish paying their agency fees. Most likely the parents did not plan ahead or expected God to speak to others to help pay the costs.

I do believe in God but also feel God helps those who help themselves. There's nothing in this life for free and if you really want something you work for it. God will give you the strength and energy to persevere. Is it unrealistic to not plan for your families future?

If your planning to have a biological child in 2-3 years you start planning & saving money now. Why should an adoption be different?

Is anyone listening out there?

Do I have readers out there? Maybe, according to the stats I do. I didn't intentionally start following adoption blogs but I happened to run across one when I was reading a Trisomy 18 blog. The AP had posted a comment on a blog I followed at the time.  Since then I have read 50+ blogs even going to an adoption site to find more. I heard so many good and bad things about international Adoption. Mostly about the agencies or facilitators not being 100% honest in regards to the children's health . Or the amount being paid to a facilitator, a king's ransom in itself. I read one story during the 10 day wait a couple Adopting mothers wanted to stay together in one apartment instead of two since their husbands have already left . To them it was a good ideal because they wouldn't be alone and they could split the rent thus saving money. Their facilitator said they couldn't do that. It makes me want to think the facilitator is getting part of the rent collected. 

Or PAP taking public transportation or walking instead of having their facilitator call a driver and by doing this they paid just pocket change compared to the cost of a cab which could be quite expensive. Or PAP wanting to take a plane to the region they are adopting from vs a train, a particular Facilitator got hostile towards the PAP. Why does the facilitator try to control the PAP, even threatening Them? And I seen where a PAP took their own translator with them to the orphanage instead of contacting their facilitator to arrange one, again the PAP was threatened. I always thought the point of a SN adoption is trying to help the kids . And thought having a facilitator was to help the Adoption move smoothly. It also seems strange the facilitator ask the PAP for the money to pay the officials before the PAP is brought in and no receipts issued to verify how much it cost! Is the adoptive parent being overcharged purposely? Is the facilitator pocketing the money??

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying all facilitators are corrupt and most AP have pleasant experiences with theirs often requesting the same facilitator again. But there seems to be too much secrecy when the facilitator pays the fees.